By AMBER FERGUSON

Disassociated Pressed Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DP) - President Obama's health care task force  - Management Assessors of Prescription-Providers, Lawyers, Abortionists and Nurses (MARX-PLAN) - released the long-awaited report of covered diseases and conditions Thursday afternoon in a lengthy press conference.

In order to fulfill the President's Memorandum on Transparency and Open Government, members of the press received an advanced copy of the 722-page report Thursday morning. Fox News did not receive the preliminary copy until Friday morning. An anonymous source for the MARX-PLAN confirms the package intended for Fox was accidentally couriered to an isolated hut in a remote village in Timbuktu.

Vice President Joe Biden opened the press conference with a brief statement. He said, “In spite of the economic difficulties we currently face, President Obama is committed to fulfilling his vision for health care.

“His goals are the same as when he was campaigning, back in the good old days before the economic crises that was entirely the previous president's fault that has basically destroyed America, and sent it on a downward spiral toward collapsing and becoming another Great Depression when everyone had to stand in bread lines. But, listen, Americans didn't have free health care in the Great Depression, so these days are not that bad because we have a tremendous opportunity for socializing our entire way of life while Americans are still in shell shock. And it's like I tell my own family, even though we're all going to have to stand in bread lines, at least we'll be healthy while we stand in bread lines. Just as long as no one starts shaking hands with anyone else.”

After the Vice President was interrupted by an unexpected urgent phone call from the White House, the Chairman of the MARX-PLAN, George O. Karl, took the podium and went over the core components of the package. Initially the plan will cover the following conditions:

Stress-related illnesses - including but not limited to high blood pressure, ulcers, heartburn, high cholesterol, impotency, heart disease, headaches, asthma, upset stomachs and brittle fingernails - will be covered unless the claimant uses tobacco or works in a high-stress environment. Exceptions for tobacco will be made for governmental employees who work in high-stress environments, such as IRS agents and Congress, as well as anyone qualifying for Medicaid before the MARX-PLAN plan goes into effect. Business owners will be required to provide the coverage for themselves and each of its employees and their families.

Abortion services will be provided for all Americans. Men who do not qualify for abortion services will be issued a federal rebate check for a matching amount. Business owners will be required to provide the coverage for themselves and each of its employees and their families.

Wanted pregnancies will be covered for registered Democrats. Other denominations will be covered if the parents swear an oath before a duly appointed judge not to teach their newly born citizen any “divisive political rhetoric including but not limited to anything included in the Republican Party Platform,” and agree to have their citizen routinely tested by the government to ensure compliance with their vow. No exceptions will be made. Business owners will be required to provide the coverage for themselves and each of its employees and their families.

All cancer treatments will be covered, including chemotherapy, radiation, experimental therapy, reconstructive surgery and extended in home nursing. To qualify, claimants must not use tobacco, eat red meat, use more than a teaspoon of salt per month or be more than one-half ounce of the suggested weight for their age/sex/height/frame. Additionally, claimants must exercise at least two hours per day, consume at least twenty servings of vegetables per day and drink no alcohol except one glass of red wine per week at a Sunday brunch consisting of at least one serving made of tofu. Exceptions will be made for governmental employees who do not have the time to be obsessively anal-retentive over their health, such as MARX-PLAN task force members or Congress, and anyone qualifying for Medicaid before the MARX-PLAN plan goes into effect. Business owners will be required to provide the coverage for themselves and each of its employees and their families.

Mental health assessments will be provided for all Americans, and will be required for anyone person known to have listened to Rush Limbaugh or Glen Beck. Psychoactive drugs will be required under the plan. Anyone resisting the medication and claiming they want to think for themselves will be immediately hospitalized.